Red

Red is the color of heartbreak. But what if you’re not heartbroken, you’re just depressed. You fill like there is no way out. Last night I did something that will leave me scared for a while. I cut myself. While it hurt at first, the blood felt nice. No one cares about me anyway, so they don’t care if I bleed. I’ve tried cutting myself before but I’ve never made blood come out until last night. This morning I woke up and the scar was still here, just like my broken heart.

December 23, 2013

Well it’s the first day of Christmas break. I can’t help but to feel kinda…empty. I feel like something is missing from me. This Miley Cyrus song Adore You doesn’t really help but I love it! I don’t feel depressed I just feel like I’m waiting on something that’s never going to happen. I don’t really know what I’m waiting on though. Expect this big break through when school starts back. I just want us back. Not the friends with benefits, just the friends thing. It was nice. We used to laugh and smile and actually have a conversation but now it’s just all these weird looks and no words. OMG! I can’t even imagine how it will be if I go to his job…AWKWARD I must say!!

How I feel

I feel… I really don’t know how I feel or even how I want to feel. I’ve been so self absorbed in my own problems that’s I’ve been neglecting my best friend’s feeling. Am I the most selfish person in the world? All I know right now is that I want her to be happy and if my (so called) brother makes her happy, then I’ll be happy for her no matter what. I from now on I will always tell her the truth about what’s going on because I think she deserves that much. I’ve got a lot of apologizing to do tomorrow. I just need the right words.

Why?

Why am I so hard headed? Why can’t I just listen to the people who actually care about me? I’ve messed up big time. I’ve jumped from the plane without a parachute and hit the ground crashing. Everything is a mess. I’ve screwed up the best friendship I’ve ever had. And for what, a boy? He’s not even worth my tears, yet why are they still falling? Why am I letting this stress me? I was doing so good this week and now, it’s bad again. I don’t know what to do or to say. I don’t understand how I let this get so out of hand. Was it was because I was afraid she would judge me like the rest of the people. Of course she wouldn’t do that, she’s my best friend. I need to make things right but I don’t know how. One question is still echoing in my head WHY?????

Good Morning

Goodmorning everyone!! :) Well today may be my last day of school before the break. I don’t really know how I feel. I mean yesterday we had a conversation and it was ok, but you know how other people are. I still don’t care but it seems like he cares. I thought two hours together would be awkward but it wasn’t. It was kinda cool. He even made me laugh. Maybe things are looking up.

So I’m thinking maybe it isn’t just the rumors these kids have created. Maybe he has started some too. I mean if he denied any of them maybe people would stop spreading these rumors. I really don’t know what to believe or even who to trust. My mind is going crazy!! Then in the morning he be coming and sitting near me, like wtf? I don’t get it!!! I NEED HELP !!!!!!

Am I crazy?

Am I crazy to think that he will come back after everything I’ve put him through? He loved me, I was his first and I broke his heart. I’m worried about the other dude forgiving me and I’ve completely forgotten about my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend. I can’t lie I miss him, but today he gave me hope. Hope that there might be something between us again. Am I crazy to believe that?